What Implicitly Goes With Every Request You Make (or Should)

“Please do as I requested, only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck.“ -Marshall Rosenberg

Recently, Peter Aprile, an experienced Holacracy® practitioner, who led the Holacracy adoption at his law firm, shared with me something I didn’t know I was missing. Maybe you were missing it too.

It’s a way to convey to others, in a compelling and colorful way, what I mean when I, “make a request.” Because I hold a very specific definition of “request” which contrasts dramatically with a “demand.” A distinction provided wholly by Marshall Rosenberg’s, Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

The problem is that even when I include clues like, “no obligation,” or, “‘No,’ is always fine answer,” the other person doesn’t always find them. Making my genuinely open request seem like a demand.

No doubt this confusion will continue to happen, but what Peter had captured (having written it down from an old audio recording) was how Marshall Rosenberg communicated his intentions…

Here is something that “implicitly goes” with every request I make…

I hope every choice you make comes from a place of willingness and personal well-being.

Please do as I requested, only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck.

Please do not enter this agreement if there is any taint of fear of punishment or anticipation of reward.

Please do not do as I request hoping to gain my favor or approval more if you do.

Please do not do as I request if you will feel guilty if you don’t.

Please do not do as I request if you will feel shameful.

And certainly, please do not do as I request out of any sense of duty or obligation.

For me, this is like music to my ears. It gives me a way to communicate poetically and clearly what a real “request” is (without having to read anything about NVC) and it humbly acknowledges that I, as the speaker, can’t clarify every message.

And it also gives me a way to explain to others how I interpret their requests (or the standard to which I shall hold them). If you come at me wielding shame and blame, then it’s unlikely I’ll even review the request, much less agree to it. And now, with this text in hand, I’ll have a much easier time navigating that conversation the next time that happens. I hope you will too.

NOTE #1: If the distinction between “request” and “demand” is all new to you, I highly recommend the NVC book.

NOTE #2: While I love Marshall’s message here, there is something he (appropriately) leaves out. There are cases in which you’re asking about their willingness to do something. That is, they may not exactly feel the joy of feeding a duck while doing it, but they feel some kind of inner authentic pull.