7 Clues You’re Uncomfortable with Your Power

When you wield power, just like when you wield a sword, you should feel comfortable with the forces under your control.

Feeling comfortable with your power means your own sense of self-authorship matches your sense of the situation. Feeling comfortable with your power is when your experience is in-sync with your authority (as defined by you).

Generally, a person has more power than they realize (Read more about my definition of power here). So, even when circumstances are out of their control, they can still change their perspective on those circumstances (I call these types of power, “Adapt-ability,” and, “Surrender”). And the result of this real vs. realized discrepancy, is that we feel uncomfortable. When we suspect ourselves of resisting responsibility, our discomfort tends to manifests as self-consciousness.

But what’s less commonly acknowledged, but equally uncomfortable, is when a person acts like they have more power than they suspect they do. They aren’t masquerading as the victim; they are masquerading as the hero. In these cases, their anxiety presents itself as confidence. Their doubts fuel their directives. Here too, the gap is felt. If only very subtly. When we pretend we have more control than we suspect we actually do, our discomfort tends to manifests as defensiveness.

So, how do you know when you are appropriately owning your authority? How do you know when are you comfortably in command of your sharp edges, and when are you flailing around posing as a potential hazard to yourself and everyone around you?

Here are 7 clues that may help.

1. You Overuse Self-Referential Words Like,“I” and, “Me”

James Pennebaker, a social psychologist, conducted extensive research on various forms of communication, including formal and informal conversations, emails, and other documents, and revealed that people who perceive themselves as having less power or lower status tend to use more self-referential language like, “I” and “me.” And he has found this pattern evident across different languages and cultures (e.g. Iraqi military, Academy Award speeches, etc.) So, the next time you’re writing an email to someone and find yourself, well, referring a lot to yourself, pause a moment and ask if its self-consciousness leaking out. Maybe not. But if it is, consider removing some of those references and see if it changes how you feel about your message (e.g. “I was thinking…” might become, “Here are some thoughts…”).

2. You Say “I’m Sorry” Too Much

Apologizing excessively, especially for minor or irrelevant issues, usually indicates you lack comfort or confidence in your authority. While it’s important to apologize when genuinely at fault, overusing “I’m sorry” makes things more confusing. It may diminish your perceived authority, but even if it doesn’t, profusely apologizing to someone who didn’t perceive you doing anything wrong, creates an awkward dynamic (i.e. Them: “Stop saying sorry!” You: “OK, Sorry”). Moreover, since language reflects, but also reinforces your inner experience, the more you say it, the more you feel it. So, next time try replacing unnecessary apologies with expressions of gratitude or acknowledgment, like “Thank you for your help,” instead of, “I’m sorry to ask.”

3. You Get Annoyed When You’re Told Something You Already Know

Sometimes when I’m driving on a car trip with my wife, she tell me something I already know, like, “Hey…we’re supposed to get off at the next exit…” And sometimes when I hear this, I’d get really annoyed. Of course, I’ve learned that this reaction is triggered by my own self-doubt. Advice, which is neutral at its worst, is heard as a critique. But as you may already realize, feeling defensive and getting triggered when people share their ideas is a great way to disincentivize people from sharing their ideas with you. A confident leader doesn’t feel threatened by knowledge. So, if you’re like me, instead of getting annoyed the next time you’re told something you already know, move past it quickly with some grace and gratitude (e.g. “Ok, thanks” is often all you need).

4. You Avoid Making Direct Requests

While no one wants to be perceived as demanding or authoritarian, for some people, direct requests can actually feel demanding. These people don’t want to ask for help too explicitly because it seems like they are putting the other person on the spot, because (the belief is) it would be awkward for them to refuse. Meaning, within that belief system, making vague or indirect requests feels less demanding. However, hesitation in making direct requests is an obvious sign of discomfort with your own needs and power. Instead of skirting around what you need, practice stating your requests plainly and respectfully. Even if you get a “No,” it’s rarely the end of a conversation.

5. You Use Vague “We” Language

While using “we” language might feel inclusive (e.g. “How should we handle this issue?”), it’s often used to mask one’s discomfort with authority. While it’s important to foster a sense of teamwork, it’s equally vital to acknowledge the explicit roles and authorities at play. If you’re making a decision, then notice when you’re pulled towards vague phrasing like, “What should we do?” Instead of always resorting to “we,” try to balance it with “I” when it’s your decision, and “you” (or whomever it is) when it’s someone else’s decision. This helps in clearly delineating responsibilities and decisions, and identifying who is taking the next steps. Our language both reflects and reinforces our inner experience.

6. You Avoid Giving, “No” as an Answer

Struggling to tell someone “No,” when that is what you feel like saying, reflects a difficulty in setting healthy boundaries. Being comfortable with your power means treating your own needs as seriously anyone else’s. This inability to decline requests or offers usually leads to overcommitment and resentment. Meanwhile, a clear “no” is much more respectful than a reluctant “yes” not only to your own time and priorities, but also to the other person.

7. You Don’t Want to Explain Yourself

When you’re in a leadership position, issuing a directive can be an efficient way to get things done. But this is only really true when the situation requires quick action or adherence to strict procedures. Outside of that, when you don’t allow for input or questions, or you don’t provide a rationale for your decision, it seems defensive and can lead to disaster. When people disagree about a course of action, and that action requires significant investment or alignment, then you can’t afford just surface-level compliance. You need to take the time to provide your reasoning, the data you’re using, and address any relevant concerns.